Dotty

A wry and often humorous look at one woman's struggle through life.

When my cousin first heard we would be camping in the very same county where she lives, it was a foregone conclusion that we would meet up. Layla-girl, her mother (my Aunty Cal), and I enjoy a rare and special relationship. Aunty Cal is only 9 years older than me – so is more of a big sister to me. Layla-girl is 19 years younger than me, but feels like my little sister. The three of us are much greater than the sum of our parts.
We decided that we would meet up on Sunday, the day before we left so that Layla-girl’s husband, the lovely Mr Chris could come along as well as their little boy Jamie. We planned a carefree hot day on the beach with Daddies playing football with little boys and we two relaxing on the sands catching up on all our news…
On Friday it rained.
On Saturday it rained.
On Sunday morning it rained.
We were due to meet at 11am. At 10am we exchanged frantic text messages debating Plan A, Plan B, Plan C…..?
At 10.30 am Mr Dotty opened up the flap of the tipi where I was huddled over the woodburning stove. ‘Come out here, quickly’ he whispered: ‘there’s something you should see.’ I peered through the mist – a deer, perhaps? We drove from Scotland to Scarborough to see a deer?! ‘No – look UP’. Oh dear: was Mr Dotty having a moment? Had Wee1 converted him to his own very special brand of Evangelical Monotheism? No… what Mr Dotty had spotted, through the mist, the drizzle and the heavy all-enveloping cloud was a pin-prick of white light. The SUN!!!!!!!!!!!
We hugged, we kissed, we threw caution to the wind and settled on Plan A.
The God(s), the Universe, Karma – it was all with us. After that tiny inauspicious start the sun came out, if not in force, then it was certainly a welcome and brave attempt. Layla-girl had dragged along the lovely Aunty Cal: we were happy campers indeed. Once we had done a tour of all the tipis, congratulating ourselves that we had indeed bagged the very best one, we drove off to the seaside.
Aunty Cal linked my arm in hers and with a purposeful stride announced: ‘Last to find the Crab Claws is a cissy!’. The Daddies gazed wistfully at the pub doors and were dragged unceremoniously away. Layla-girl (3 months pregnant) announced that she had a need for prawns NOW, and so we split into two groups: a fish and chip posse and a seafood posse: both would meet on the beach.

The prawns were no problem, we saw winkles and fell over ourselves giggling, nearly bought some to tease the Wees with, but then saw the price! When I was a girl they were 25p for a huge paper bag – today they are £2.35 for a miserly little polystyrene tray. The giggle disappeared into the sea air. We saw no Crab Claws on display… but then I spotted them: the most enormous bag you could ever imagine: as big as a supermarket carrier bag, for £6. ‘Shall we share?’ ”Oh YES!!’
Down on the beach, the Wees and the Daddies munched their fish and chips, Layla-girl finished her second tray of prawns and sat very still trying to convince herself that her morning sickness had indeed subsided as she had predicted, and Aunty Cal and I tore into our feast with gusto. Then we hit a problem. Quite a big problem. All the Crab Claws were big monster toe-pinching claws… not the little break-with-your-teeth and spend many happy minutes sucking a microgram of meat out of. Did we have a hammer; a nut cracker; a Swiss army knife; a grenade? No: we had two quite small jaws that were not quite up to the job. We bent them this way, we bent them that way, we even hit one against Mr Dotty’s head – but they would not yield… apart from one: the runt in the pack.

dottycrab

I happily gave up my vegetarianism for that one mouthful of sweet rosy flesh. Aunty Cal, as much as I loved her, went hungry.

By this time the Wees were running this way and that, building sandcastles, destroying them, chasing, catching, getting utterly drenched and caked in sand and having the time of their lives. They found a mini lagoon in an indent near the sea wall and it might just as well have been the most glorious infinity pool facing an azure Carribean sea: they were in heaven. It was an unmitigated joy: the companionship of family with an intertwined and interlocking history of support, husbands who have managed to find their own place within that unchartered structure, and a new generation just old enough to start playing together and to see where they come from.

And – just to cap it all – the fourth generation of our family (that we have photographic evidence of, anyway) rode their first Scarborough Donkeys.

mr-chris-jamie100_0615teddy-donkey

Sentimental? Yes – unashamedly.

When I was a little girl, my sister and were taken to the seaside: I think, once a year. I say ‘I think’ because I can’t be sure… my sister’s memory is worse than mine in that respect, my father would respond in a gruff voice ‘you need to ask your mother – she was in charge of that sort of thing’ and my mother, who lives in a parallel universe which rarely if ever comes into contact with the rest of us, would remember, quite sincerely, that we practically lived at the seaside during the summer. So, I am sticking with once a year.

On the great Day Out, we would pack the car with folding stripey nylon seats with unstable tubular aluminium frames (for grown-ups only), picnic rugs interwoven with dog and cat hairs, a candlewick bedspread for sitting on, swimming costumes, towels and The Picnic.

Once at the seaside we carried our stuff like beasts of burden and piled onto the beach. Within seconds the candlewick bedspread was covered in sand, my sister and I had run into the sea and back resulting in wet skirts and knickers and wet sand on the bedspread, our father was serenely detached ignoring it all (as long as he was kept fed and watered), my poor mother struggled to come to terms with the reality of the situation as opposed to her ideal, and we munched our way through egg and sand sandwiches, home-made scotch eggs the size of melons, jam tarts and fairy cakes. There may even have been the odd apple thrown in (this was the 1970s).

Mum gradually relaxed, and if the weather was warm, would HORRIFYINGLY (for us) take her blouse off and sunbathe… in her bra. The shame…. We, of course had no sun ‘protection’, whilst my mother had a bottle of mahogany coloured oil guaranteed to fry her quicker than a minute steak.

The absolute best thing of all – and it was what we had been waiting for since the day before – was the ride on the donkeys. Scarborough donkeys are an institution: I rode on them, my father rode on them, his father rode on them. It didn’t matter a jot that there was a donkey in the village where we lived, which we were all welcome to ride: riding a Scarborough Donkey on the beach was special.

Finally…. once our poor feet had been scoured of sand, my screeching sister’s hair painfully detangled, the candlewick shaken to within an inch of its life, and everything packed back into the car we went to the harbour and ate a bag of… winkles. Yep – miniature sea snails with a snot-like interior which had to be painstakingly extracted with a pin. My mother got Crab Claws. How I yearned for a taste of that sweet-smelling pink flesh. I looked balefully, I asked sweetly, I offered more chores, I offered my soul – but no. Crab Claws are for Mummies only.

I have carried my resentment of being Crab Claw-deprived around with me like an old school scarf. The second I left home I would devour them with any opportunity I got: upmarket restaurants, fruit-de-mer in France, Chinese take-aways, even Kelso Car Boot Sale! But what I am most proud of is that on the very first opportunity I got – did I deprive my Wees as I was deprived?

No, I did not.

You may think that Crab Claws are merely the legs of a relatively defenceless sea-creature: believe me, they are much, much more than that.

This was supposed to be a post about our trip to the seaside whilst on our camping holiday – but I didn’t tap the right keys…. I’ll have another go tomorrow!

Considering that we were camping in a pre-erected tent (or tipi) which came with bed bases for all of us, the preparations for our departure involved an awful lot of shopping. We were very lucky in that we borrowed a gas camping stove from my friend Imogen, who is far too near giving birth to her third child to be even contemplating camping this year (or next, I imagine!). The Wees already have sleeping bags, and I decided that I was far too old for wriggling around in a nylon sack, and our own duvet, with white cotton cover and matching pillowcases would be packed. This may seem a little over-the-top to you, but I assure you that this is nothing compared to the camping habits of my darling sister-in-law who packed white linen tablecloths, candelabra, silver and insisted that we all dine Black Tie. We even had a very jolly man come by and light the ‘donkey’, which was a rather Heath Robinson contraption that heated the water for our individual showers under the Namibian skies. However, I digress…. but you will soon find out why Namibian camping s-i-l style is such an easy reminiscence to fall into…

Shopping: we had to buy a dinky kettle (early morning cup of tea is non-negotiable, anywhere in the world), cheap cutlery, plastic plates and bowls, a barbecue, a picnic rug, camping chairs… the trolley filled at exponential speed. Where was this cheap holiday?

Early on Friday morning we gathered ourselves, enjoyed our last hot shower, I dried my hair and tried not to think about the forthcoming lack of electricity, and packed. And packed. And packed. And unpacked Wees ‘essentials’. And packed. By lunchtime (2 hours late) we were ready to set off. After a glorious week the mist started to descend over our lovely mountains and we rubbed our hands with glee, thinking we were going to leave the bad weather behind.

How wrong we were… a 4-hour journey turned into a 6-hour journey, crawling through mist and drizzle so dense we had to use fog lights. The Wees were amazing: apart from the not-quite-so-soon as 1 minute into the journey ‘how long till we get there?’, they were darlings, watching the world go by. In one town, Wee1, who constantly delights himself with his newly-acquired reading ability, passed the time reading traffic signs and shop names. ‘T; E; S; C; O: Mummy – there’s another shop called Tesco!!!‘ Yes, darling, I said… ‘Wow – does that mean there are TWO Tescos in this world?‘ If only, I thought….!

Eventually we arrived and were met by the loveliest, kindest, most helpful man imaginable. He directed us to the Tipi field (as yet out of sight) and as we drove in there was the most exuberant, heartfelt and unanimous ‘WOW!!!’. Suddenly the rain did not matter one jot.

The Wees ran barefoot through cold wet grass, we unpacked the car and lit the tiny but effective wood-burning stove and settled in for the family holiday of a lifetime.

We ran out of dry clothes; we ran out of dry bedding (Wee2 found the whole thing rather too exciting); we lived off takeaway food supplemented by local strawberries for 2 days (the barbecue would NOT light); we trudged through rain and mud to shower and to get fresh drinking water; and we would do it all again: maybe not tomorrow, but next year without doubt!

My goodness me! So many lovely messages!!! I can’t tell you how excited I get when I see them… Ok – I will: I get more excited than a very excited thing jumping up and down and very nearly (but not quite) wetting her pants. That is a LOT of excited, I can tell you.

I have been away from here for too long – I’d forgotten just how happy it makes me to sit here at my pretty pink laptop and chat away to everyone – I feel as though I’ve got all my friends over for tea and freshly baked biscuits. I am actually baking biscuits right now – chocolate chip cookies for the Wees to have for their 6:00am snack before darling Mr Dotty gets up to feed them their real breakfast. It is a new recipe, so I’ll wait until I see if it works before I share it with you.

Now, I’m obviously being rather a marvellous mummy right now (and watching bits of Black Books – have you seen it? It is SO funny), but the reason I’ve been away is that I’ve had a horrible infection of my sinuses that has taken months to diagnose and it rather knocked me for six, and that with all the shenanigens of end-of-term has meant that I have not been my usual industrious self.

I shall start by replying to as many questions as I can tomorrow, then we’ll settle in to our tea (or coffee, even sherry if you like!) and biccies and have a good old chat.

See you later, sweeties xxx

… apologies to Julie Andrews! Anyway – some odds and sods that of course I could live without, but would rather not…

Bookmarks
Old postcards; laminated Wees’ drawings; very smart silver ones; pretty beaded ones; a length of knotted ribbon… Sometimes, when I find an ‘I’ll get back to that later’ book, it is the bookmark which places me right back in the story more effectively than the words on the abandoned page.

bookthong

Click on the picture to go to the site....

The perfect present for Wees’ end-of-year teachers’ presents! And of course I added a couple for myself…

Teacosy
You may laugh – but my second mug of tea is still piping hot! And I start my day (almost) with a smile…

Cashmere
Soft, warm, lightweight, decadent, luxurious. Hmmmmm….

Pets
They are just so much fun, and warm, and furry and naughty!

Aprons
Or pinnies… I know this probably seems silly to ever such a lot of you: but that may be because you just haven’t discovered how wonderful these panels of cotton can be. For a start they are (or should be) pretty. When you put on your pinny, you are immediately prepared for the task in hand: it’s a let’s get this job done mindset. Even the Wees wouldn’t dream of rolling out pizza dough or pastry without their pinnies on. And the obvious – they are practical and prevent you from walking through the middle of Melrose without flour all over your cardi (but not without a handprint on your bum, unfortunately).

Shopping Trolley
……. …… …..
…….. …… ……
……. …….        (tell me when you have quite recovered…?)
So – shopping trolleys and jolly, own-hair-and-teeth mummies of little Wees don’t exactly seem to belong together. Let me disabuse you of this prejudice. Shopping trolleys are cool. They are green (I can do my day’s local meat and greengrocer shopping without a car); they are practical (I live a good mile up a very steep hill from the centre of town) and I can shove Wees’ coats, umbrellas, school bags, sweatshirts in there; and if you check out the link below, you will see that they can be very pretty.
http://www.barnitts.co.uk/products/details/5353.html
Of course people laugh at first, but that is because they are seeing something unusual. Soon they will be trundling their own behind them… just wait and see.

A few of my favourite web sites (in no particular order other than this is how they are popping out of my head):

www.amazon.co.uk
Apart from the obvious… I love the ‘customers who bought this, also bought…’ feature. I have lost count of the number of new authors I have read – and loved, using this.

www.eBay.co.uk
I can’t remember the last time I bought anything new, or full price. Apart from knickers, of course (and other underwear). There are limits, you know!

www.facebook.com
Keeping in touch, sharing jokes, playing Lexulous: inconsequential merry nonsense that makes the day sparkle.

www.iGoogle.com
I love this – I have email; my calendar; Wikipedia; translation tool (I confess!); YouTube; To-Do List and Tao Te Ching quote of the day – all on one page. It’s like my own little study, which I’ve decorated and only I have the key…

www.bbc.co.uk/radio4
The Archers, and SO much more. Great podcasting service as well… The Friday 6.30 comedy slot is always a good one, Sandi Toksvig gets wryer and drier and of course we have the wonderful Paul Merton on Just a Minute. How I miss Sir Clement Freud, though…

www.YouTube.com
Paul Merton! Lots and lots of Paul Merton!! But here is my all time favourite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Tdd6-o00Tc
I’m sorry about the corny soundtrack, but as you will cry anyway, it might as well be done properly…

www.Ted.com
Really fabulous, thought-provoking, imaginative, get-those-brain-cells ticking and give us something different-to-talk-about mini lectures. Fabulous – keep them coming… please?!

www.tapping.com
Never ever ever underestimate the power of your mind… This is a great way to work on specific obstacles (insomnia, sinusitis[truly], headaches, procrastination, anger, etc, etc) to leave your mind open for serious life changes. It is all possible – it’s just up to you. I wouldn’t be tapping away on this keyboard if it wasn’t for Magnus: so here is a big thank you from me!

www.khoola.co.uk
The most amazing jewellery – either from the site, or even more exciting: made to order. The prices are pretty unbelievable too, so a real treat for yourself or a favourite someone is suddenly within reach.

www.delia.co.uk
Isn’t she just a love? It’s like having your aunty to stay… Nothing groundbreaking, but even I can get all the ingredients and the recipes always work (apart from her goose which she cremated for me once!).

organizedhome.com
I get lost in here. It can take me days to reappear. There are Lists, colour-coded chore lists, what to eat lists, which wash to put on lists, which knickers to wear lists (OK – I made that last one up, maybe even the last two); there are Instructions, how to clean your house, how to tidy your house, how to pay your bills, how to find your knickers (I know… sorry.); there is EVEN a cleaning pinny… with instructions on how to make it!!!! I mock, I’m sorry – but actually I would like to have a clean, tidy clutter-free home… and one day I will stop giggling and do what these wholesome American lovelies say.

www.misi.co.uk
lots of lovely handmade presents at reasonable prices – and the money goes direct to the crafter, not to some horrid mean baby-eating factory owner.

www.telegraph.co.uk
For years we took The Daily Telegraph: it had nothing to do with class, politics or the fact that the crossword is the only one we can begin to solve – it is just a Very Good Read. Of course there are irritations in there – but there are very probably irritations in here, and I mean no harm… The definitive online point came to me (we had long given up the daily delivery due to expense) after a particularly nasty depression when I finally was able to surface and brave the outside world. I was having coffee with two girlfriends and they were discussing the financial collapse of Iceland. I thought they were discussing the death of that frozen ‘food’ wasteland…

www.private-eye.co.uk
I almost wish I drank red wine to accompany this. Grown-up takes-no-prisoners satire.

www.dilbert.com
Makes me laugh, reminds me of work, reminds me to be very grateful I’m not part of that culture any more!

http://idler.co.uk/news/the-idle-parent/
Hands-off parenting - with a dry dry wit.

Wee2 wandered into the bathroom recently whilst I was in the shower, shaving my legs.

‘Merm-eeeeeeeeee…. why aren’t you shaving your beard?’

This is where I admit, that at the not-so-very-grand age of 42, I have a whisker. In fact I have two. The first one became known to me after a walk on one particularly cold Warsaw weekend. I went into the bathroom to inspect the frostbite on my earlobes and happened to brush my hand past one very frozen, not-so-fine, inch-long hair, sprouting from the right hand side of my chin! I’m still not terribly comfortable wondering just how long I had been mincing around in my coporate glad-rags, only to be sporting facial hair… however, the problem was dealt with swiftly and decisively: out it came.

Then it came back. With a friend! Out they both came. And so, for the last 7 years my two whiskers and I have been conducting our relentless battle on a monthly basis.

The morning that darling Wee2 asked why I was not attending to my face, I instinctively put my hand to my chin… and there they were. No problem, thought I, mentally sharpening my prongs of finest sprung steel. But wait… Oh no. It cannot be – surely? I put one hand up, then the other. I faced the mirror, then turned around. I all but stood on my head trying to work out just how the left hand side of my face had become the right hand side…

Please do not write in with the answer. I know. I just don’t want to give the situation the reality of cold hard numbers.

First of all I should admit (since we are being open and honest here) that I am only writing this post to put off the EVIL moment when I have to ‘fess up to the state of my dressing table.

There, that feels a tiny bit better. I have typed the words dressing table. This is like receiving a children’s party invitation and entering it into the diary and feeling as though the job is done… then forgetting to RSVP, buy the card and the present, and having to wonder if you can get away with wrapping the last-minute present from the garage shop in newspaper as a semi-green, urban trendy statement. Don’t try it – I have, and it doesn’t work.

Now – that last bit was another procrastination! You know where this is going, don’t you? Yep – the search for SLS-free hair cleaning was not entirely successful.

It isn’t ALL doom and gloom – nasty chemical-free shampoos are out there – but they cost a fortune, and then they cost another fortune in p&p. Of course, you might be lucky and live or work somewhere near a shop which sells this kind of stuff. I do not. So – onto make-your-own. Eggs? Too expensive, and I’m afraid I can feel the cold slimy drippy rivulets working their way down my neck as I type. Bicarbonate of Soda? This is really wimpy of me – but it just seems too harsh and I can envisage flakes of half-scoured scalp floating around my head like an early snow flurry.

The final option seemed to be the Self-Cleaning Method. I love that phrase: of course, what it means is Do Bugger All – but they can’t call it that. I can! So, on Saturday night last I decided that I would give the DBA method a go. I even bought a baseball cap to wear for the grim first week ahead. Apparently something magical happens after the first week (or is the second?) and once flat fine straight hair becomes bouncy thick curly locks JUST like Nigella Lawson’s. Truly… I read it somewhere. Anyway, Sunday morning came, I had breakfast, went back upstairs, looked in the mirror and gave up.

Hair product aisle – please save my seat.

A year or two after my life of impoverished independence (but what larks I had!) the lovely Mr Dotty stepped over my threshold, made an honest woman of me and whisked me off to our new home: a beautiful cottage in a sleepy lane in a pretty Wiltshire village.

We lived a happy, happy life… working hard during the week and supporting the local liquid refreshment economy at the weekend. Our first Christmas was to be a special one – nothing would be too much trouble. We had my lovely s-i-l and her Very Chocolatey Husband coming back over from Namibia with their darling little boy, and we wanted them to have an English Christmas like no other.

So… inbetween working, getting sloshed and nursing hangovers, I beavered away making the Christmas Pudding, Cake, Preserved Pears (Delia said I had to), home-made Mincemeat, etc, etc. I bundled cinnamon sticks and tied them with pretty ribbon, dried orange slices, studded oranges with a thousand cloves… and I made the most beautiful Holly Wreath – all by myself. This final touch of rural domestic yuletide perfection was one too much for the universe to bear…

The day came (for me it is Boxing Day, but I waited on this occasion until our lovely visitors had left) when the Christmas glitter and gaud had to be cleared away. Everything went well until I remembered that the Holly Wreath was still hanging on the door waiting to attack anyone daring to knock  (but more specifically the postman). No problem, thought I… I considered the compost heap, but decided that it would take too long to rot down and I didn’t fancy being attacked by the Zombie Holly Wreath come Spring, so the next best solution: the FIRE!

How merrily it burned! So merrily I had to prevent it from flying up the chimney by holding it down with the poker. Mr Dotty popped his head round the door.. ‘Everything all right, darling?’. ‘Oh, YES’, I replied anxious to get him back on the other side of the door, now holding onto the poker with both hands and considering using my foot. Then the doorbell rang. It was our neighbour: ‘Do you know that your chimney is on fire?’. ‘Why no’ said Mr Dotty ‘Is it?’. ‘Well’ said neighbour ‘I presume that’s what the 10 foot high flames mean’.

I waited with knees together (I don’t know why they do that when I am nervous, but they do) hoping against hope that the fire would subside in the next 30 seconds. It didn’t. ‘Should I call the Fire Brigade?’ I asked rather sheepishly…

999… FireBrigade… Chimney Fire, Cottage, Little Lane, Pretty Village… Is it Thatched?… Oh NO… Thank Goodness, we’ll be over in a minute…Oh, NO!!! Wait!!… Yes… Next door’s is thatched, and opposite is thatched, and next door down is thatched… Oh NO! We are RIGHT there…

Nee naw, nee naw, nee naw… Blue Lights flash, flash, flash… Neighbours running…. Firemen… Oh My LORD Firemen… Uniform… Hoses… In the house… How many chimneys?… Errrrrr…. Firemen…Uniform… Hoses…. Chimneys? How many?…. Errr…Firemen, Uniform, Hoses… Right: YOU: KITCHEN, TEA, NOW.  So, so masterful…

Ohhhhhh…. Firemen, Uniform, Hoses… why did I not know of this when I was single?

has been visiting!

I never know when he will come, or how long he will stay – or indeed quite what he will do: but it is a bit like having your Mum to stay and you are not very well and you descend the stairs anticipating the usual mayhem…. but wait! What is this? The carpet is vaccuumed, the dishes are done, the Wees are quiet, there are ironed shirts hung up… and a warm familiar voice says ‘Would you like a cup of tea, darling?’. This is the happy nature of the Blog Elf.

If you would like your own Blog Elf, they can be caught (but only by the truly deserving) at pryde-design.co.uk