not just for husbands, boyfriends, straight-from-Mummy&Daddy’s, teenagers…..

Washing-up
First of all – if we cannot afford a dishwasher, and we have no space for a dishwasher, it would be lovely to have a whole day go by without bemoaning the lack of a dishwasher. Secondly – more washing-up liquid does not mean less scrubbing. More washing-up liquid means thicker suds which HIDE the grubby bits – those bits which attach and smear themselves all over the tea-towel. Also, it is not endearing to consistantly fail to wash properly a particular utensil (the pasta ladle in our case). Thirdly – it is truly easier to wash-up after every meal, straight after every meal.
Finally: there is no such thing as the washing-up fairy. I’m sorry – with hindsight I should have warned some of you to sit down for that one.

Shift dresses
Are a girl thing. They are important. They may seem an extortionate expense for three pieces of fabric sewn together in straight line. They may seem an extortionate expense for something which then requires a jacket, embellished cardi or perfectly co-ordinating pashmina. 40 shift dresses may be a little extravagent – anything less is not. Expensive shift dresses make us feel like Audrey Hepburn, or Jackie O: cheap shift dresses do not. No-one feels like a Mummy in a shift dress. They are not negotiable. They cannot be explained or justified. They just are.

Laundry
I don’t know where to start…

Socks
Please try really really hard and put these IN the laundry basket. It is such a little thing, but it means so much. Within a 2 feet radius does not count. Honestly. However, (and this is where it gets a bit complicated) if your socks have huge uncomfortable holes in (like making your toes bleed or turn black), do not put them in the laundry basket. These socks (both of them – even the one which looks perfectly serviceable) need to go in the bin. Please.

Shoes
Little pieces of paper with scribble on
Yesterday’s clothes
The lavatory
The bath/shower

The kettle
This is so easy: when you have filled the kettle up, switch it ON, then before any other thought has entered your brain, cry out in your happiest voice ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’. So easy and the long-term benefits are astounding. You might even get sex (unless you are teenage son impressing Mum – in which case I am SO sorry for grossing you out).

The breadboard
This is a designated mobile surface, usually made of wood, for cutting and spreading bread, toast, bagels, crumpets and the like. It is not for cutting tomatoes (however closely related they may be to the slice of bread sitting there waiting for the sandwich to be completed), lemons, onions OR garlic. Another point to remember should you wish to earn extra Smartie points is that is does actually need wiping down with a clean, damp (NOT wet, and not soaked in evil artificial lemon-scented kitchen degreaser spray) cloth. Bread knives, contrary to popular opinion, do not live on breadboards: they do actually need to be washed up, dried and placed at least an arm-length from wee-ones’ grasps.

Butter
Lives in a butter dish. When we have scraped the last of the butter from the butter dish, we do not skip gaily to the fridge and plonk a new block on top of the old slightly rancid remnants… OH NO: we reach into the cupboard and get the other CLEAN butter dish out and place our new block lovingly therein. That’s the main bit – now for the frills. It would be lovely if you could use a new knife to cut the butter, rather than leave tell-tale lines of marmite, peanut butter, etc, etc, etc, interspersed with toast crumbs. It would be lovely if you could move the old butter dish to the sink, rather than leaving it as a decoy on the breadboard. And – it would be lovely if you could cover the butter dish after use to avoid cat-tongue indentations and Wee2 finger gouges.

Cushions
These are decorative, useful and completely necessary. They are not there simply to be thrown on the floor, and then left there: neither are they there for one person to hoard and hogg and leave as a jumbled pile at one end of the sofa. When they have finished being useful, it would be such a treat if they could be replaced decoratively! Again – the benefits could surprise you…

The bottom of the stairs
This is not a cupboard (or a box, or a chest, or a shelf, or even a staging post)! There is quite a simple equation here to help you remember:
cluttered bottom of stairs = deathtrap
Easy!

all these, and more, will be explained (although it is taking me much longer than I thought it would… hmmmm…). I realised now that I should have done this 15 years ago… but if it means that someone else benefits I shall, of course, be utterly and selflessly delighted.