First of all I would like to extend my thanks to everyone on here and Twitter who have shown me such support, love and understanding, that it has quite taken my breath away. I wish I could thank you all personally. I wish I could hug you and show you just how much every word means to me. I know that your words and concern were sincere and not ‘just words’ – I feel it in the very heart of me, and I am truly grateful to know such a kind community.

I have lashed out at the two people who mean more to me in the world – I have said words I sincerely regret and did not mean – they were designed to drive them away. They didn’t. They won’t let me go. They still love me. I don’t understand how or why, but they do. And I love them. It hurts me to love them – they are so far away and every time I leave them is harder than the last. They speak their mind and they are not afraid to question me, they delve deeper into me than I am comfortable with. I am learning that this is real love and real commitment. It isn’t an easy subject – give me Latin any day, even physics which I was so singularly inept at that my teacher despaired of me. (I got the O-level though – just to spite him).

Anyhow, life goes on. The earth turns, the sun rises and sets, the clouds float by, it rains, it is fine, it is day, it is night. This too shall pass.

My husband has taken my children away on what was to have been an amicable break for all of us. After Wednesday night I was told that I don’t deserve the pleasure of seeing my boys cycle freely, swim and slide in pools with gay abandon and so I am left to my own devices.

I am using this time well. I have a haircut planned for this afternoon to put right the devastation I created with a pair of blunt nail scissors on Thursday. I am seeing my CPN tomorrow.  I am having coffee on Thursday with a kind friend and a rummage in a very secret charity shop which receives samples of the most beautiful Tweeds our mills have to offer. On Friday I am traveling to Edinburgh to meet with a solicitor so that I can do the very best I can for my boys and not be ridden over roughshod by my husband and his family. Next Tuesday I have a meeting with the homeless department: they believe I have a good case and have been very helpful.

I am looking forward and I am picking myself up. It is tiring – I have known sleep deprivation and exhaustion, but nothing could have prepared me for the mind-numbing state I find myself in right now. I will do it and I will survive and I will be the very best that I can be: and that means being a mother that my children can be proud of and glad to know.

Thank you, to you all, for your help and support.